START OF A PHASE THAT WASN'T CALLED FOR!

Hello again everybody 😊

In my previous blogpost, I wrote in general about what I went through, how I was and how I am now. But I want to write about the start of all these so if there's someone out there going through the same, maybe it might help in identifying what's happening within you. But first, need to go back a few years, in fact, a lot more than few years. 

So, my background is something like this, I was born & brought up in Mysuru city which is in the state of Karnataka in India. I did all my schooling, college and Uni in Mysuru. Growing up, I was always this overly protected kid who couldn't go out much, cannot roam around with friends (especially if there were boys in the group, wink wink), couldn't wear a lot of western outfits (the culture thing kicks in you see, even if my parents are okay for me to wear denims & tops, the nosy neighbors, the raging relatives, parents of our own friends have issues with us wearing what was then called 'western outfits', basically something that’s not Indian wear etc etc) To those of you wondering why all these people have issues with someone else wearing whatever they want, yes they have issues and will keep having issues and unfortunately more than half the population back home is obligated to think "what others think of us". I was no less as I was just one of those many people. Almost every decision we 80s & early 90s kids used to make was more or less dependent on what others think. There are of course exceptions but I was definitely not one. To some extent, even now there are people who are unfortunately making their life decisions based on whatever other people think. 

When all our decisions are based on random people, where will the confidence ever pop up right? If not everyone, some of my age grouped people can surely relate to this I'm sure because we were all from conservative families. So, the decision making was one thing I was never confident about and it's only after I started earning that I realized my decision to get into the IT field was in itself a bad one. My whole idea about why I wanted to get into IT has nothing to do with being associated to technology or immense interest in coding etc etc. My uncle was a software engineer and was really good at whatever he did. He used to travel around the world as his position demanded so and that's exactly why I wanted to study IT 😄( yes, people like us definitely exist). Back then, it was also more of a herd mentality, you can either become an engineer or a doctor. Anything extra you think of, well, all you get is a disgusting stare because people will make fun of you and your parents by saying, their kid is neither an engineer nor a doctor, he/she won't be successful in life (trust me this is as true as anything can be. Now we know why there are so many Indians in the medical & IT field all around the world 😃) I did really great in my studies back then as that's the only thing I was anyways doing - go to school/college/tuition, finish homework & projects on time, lots of group studies and so on. I was always a distinction student, except for my 11th & 12th grade (long story ahead) and according to the standards back then, I should have been a successful engineer. But I clearly wasn't as I was not passionate about whatever I studied. So, what was my passion? I had no idea back then. I always knew I liked organizing events, doing decors for events, hosting the crowd etc but never was gutsy enough to let my parents know that probably that's what I want to do - event management. For all that matters, I myself didn’t know that’s what I wanted to do. I was always into this dreamy zone of travelling around the world by becoming an engineer.

 

After my Uni, when I got through my first job, I had to move interstate to Chennai which is in the state of Tamil Nadu. This was the first time ever that I stepped out of the house at the age of 20 to figure out a life or a working life to be precise that I had no clue how it was going to be. Trust me, I was independent at this stage of life and could afford some decisions but yet was so scared to go ahead with them. When I say decisions, I mean small decisions like going out to theme parks or a day trip with my colleagues/friends/roommates. Some of them used to give me an earful and ask me why is it so hard to decide how I want to enjoy my free time with the whatsoever little money I had. I had no answer back then apart from saying i'm scared if anyone sees me and informs my parents, neighbors, relatives etc etc as if people all over India identify me 😄 I wasn't doing anything wrong but yet I always had a feeling that regardless of what decision I take, I’m probably always wrong. Again, what led to these trust issues with my own-self is a whole different story. If you are wondering why I am speaking of all these when I'm supposed to talk about my depression journey, that's where the answer is. Our childhood and growing up years are the ones that shape us completely into the person we are. Who we become later on is a different thing but who we were before is the most important one as that's where the truth is hidden. 

My first stint with depression was actually when I was in 11th grade. My 10th grade was one of the worst years of my school journey as I experienced some of the things which I had never & ever imagined. I can rather say I was the puppet for people to play around doing blame games, spread false rumors and say every possible worst thing they could about a girl. Their only shield was they knew I won’t be able to say or do anything much. When you are not a confident person & cannot stand up for your own self, it’s often noticeable and that’s when people know it’s the right time to target. Towards the end of my school journey, my friends circle was already reduced. I only had a handful of people to call as my close ones, rest of them probably believed what they were told & chose to go with it. It was in year 10 that I had started writing diary because I wanted to share whatever I am going through with someone & that someone for me was my diary. I used to hide it under the bed so my parents or brother cannot see. That diary had every emotion, be it some of the good moments with close friends, family, cousins & relatives etc or bad moments with the same set of people. Everyday after school, I would write whatever happened and towards the end of grade 10 and pretty much the whole of grade 11 & 12 have so many pages filled with tear drops. I can still feel those tear drops whenever I go back home & have a look at the diary as the pages have a crumbly sound because of it. There wasn't a single corner in my room where I haven't sat down & cried because of what people did to me. There came a point where I had a misunderstanding with probably the only true friend I had at that time and she also started drifting away from me. I was all alone, absolutely all alone. Every day I walk into my classroom or tuition classes, there's some new rumor about me, people I don't even know are coming in search of me for god knows what. I was broken, devastated and felt like people will probably be happy if I die. I used to think how can everyone hate me so much including my own friends who know me from years. I'm not saying I haven't hurt anyone at all or haven't made any mistakes. Of course I have hurt my friends or made mistakes but not to an extent of what I went through. I was forcefully smiling or trying to look fine & happy or not bothered by what was happening around me as I didn’t want those people to know how much their bad doings are affecting me. 

One day after my tuition, I was walking home, yet again I was upset, broken & literally in my own world. I didn't even notice there was a guy walking towards me, after a point I felt he's coming close to me and even before I could realise, he came so close to me that I had no idea what he intended to do with me when he pulled me. I just gave him a slap while trying to free myself and just ran, I ran until home which was 4 or 5 streets ahead. I couldn't breathe, I was trembling with fear and burst out crying while running. I still remember, my brother opened the door, I just went straight up to my room, locked it, took a pillow and cried my heart out into the pillow. Amma & appa were not home as they had gone to visit someone. My brother asked me why I ran & locked the room & if everything was okay but I couldn't tell him anything. I said I had a fight with a friend, I'm upset & don't want to talk to anyone. So, he left me alone. I didn't sleep for a few nights , I felt I'm so useless as I cannot stand up for myself, I'm no good if I have to lead a life like this, I felt everyone is against me. I was extremely scared to even say this to my parents. I decided to do something about it and that decision is not something anyone should be doing. Rather than fighting for what is right and standing up for myself, I decided to harm myself thinking I'm the root cause of all the problems. I took a blade from appa's shaving kit and tried to cut my wrist. I did it once and my hands started shaking & I broke down again. I decided I'm not going to do something like this. But again, after a few months, some of my old classmates along with people from other schools (at that stage wasn't even sure if they can be called friends) decided to plot something against me & there they were, all the mind gamers who truly made my life hell day in & day out. It was unbearable for me at one stage. It was my birthday that day and amma had taken off from work to prepare something special for me & take me out to celebrate. Usually for all my birthdays, I would get calls from a lot of my friends but it had already reduced by then. That day I literally had one call from my friend and I just couldn't help but think how unwanted I have become. Amma asked me to get ready as she wants to take me shopping after breakfast. I said I’ll take a shower first & went upstairs. I filled up the bathtub in my room & sat in there for nearly 2 hours. I didn't even realise its been two hours. It was only after amma knocked my door twice that I came back into senses. I came out and I was getting ready, again totally zoned out without knowing what was happening with me. I felt like crying & screaming and I went back to my pillow again & just screamt into it & cried so much. Something in me asked me to go to the secret box I had in my wardrobe where I had kept that blade. I just went ahead, took the blade, came back & slept on the bed looking at the ceiling fan and cut my wrist twice, I could see little blood but it wasn't too much but I felt dizzy & a few moments later just opened my eyes and amma just stood next to the bed in a shock. I immediately covered my hands and the blade with the bedsheet as I didn't want her to find out. She was just looking at me and collapsed on the floor & started crying. She knew exactly at that point what was happening with me. She had tried to speak to me a few times before to find out why I have been upset for the past few months but I wasn't ready to say anything. I hadn't even noticed that the tears I had in my eyes rolled down to my cheeks and it had kind of crystallized.  She just couldn't control her tears and we had a long conversation which was mostly one way as I was then lying on her lap & she kept talking to me saying her experiences & how she tried to come out & is still trying. She had a lot of plans to celebrate my day but everything got ruined. But if she hadn't stayed home that day, I have no idea what I would have done to myself. It's from that birthday of mine, I have never really celebrated my birthday with excitement. I would take my friends to treat them because I cannot make a scene every year or tell them why I don't feel like celebrating but that day hardly makes me any extra happy. As much as I like doing surprises for others or celebrating their special days, I don't know how to react if someone does the same with me. I cannot handle when the spotlight is on me. It makes me nervous as I haven't been in situations like that. I am happy on my birthdays, not that I keep crying but I'm not excited like how a lot of people are. 

While amma had a strong feel that I was going into depression, I probably already knew I'm there but there was hardly 5-6 months left for my 12th board exams and we all know how critical it is. I felt i'm not ready to take any treatment at this stage because I was already behind in my studies. I had scored so less in many tests & exams, I was afraid I'm going to fail my 12th if I don't concentrate. So, I convinced amma we will go after my exams and she took a promise from me that I will start to work on myself by being as positive as possible and she will be there to protect me no matter what. I had been to my GP while in 11th grade as I could hardly sleep & had panic attacks but he said he cannot give me any medications even though he can see signs of depression as I was under 18. We didn't know what the rules were, what the law says or we had no much idea or awareness about mental health, dont even know if he cared anything much. 

I took both good & bad decisions without any much knowledge. Years later, some of my old friends who got to know the truth of what happened during school & how they were manipulated by a handful of people who were basically insecure & jealous of me, approached me & even apologized for not being there for me. I was glad that the truth was slowly being discussed. It was a closed chapter for a lot of them as they were not linked to it directly but for me, till date remains as the darkest phase. These things might not look too big now to some people but at the tender age of 15-18 to be subjected to so much verbal abuse & mental torture, it’s hard to come out of it. If I had taken a wrong decision that day & amma was not there to save me, then no one would have ever known who was responsible for my sad ending or sufferings of family. It’s so easy for anybody & everybody to create rumors about a person just because you are jealous of them or insecure of them but have no idea what damage it can cause to the other person & till what extent. 

Whenever I think of those years, I feel I have come so far in this journey, worked so much on myself, grown so much, learnt so much and more than anything I have evolved into a strong person that I have never been in my entire life. I feel I’m my strongest self now. Anyone who knows me quite well will agree with me when I say I don't speak high of myself. I never praise myself in front of others and when someone praises me, I feel like they are making fun of me. Till date, that's literally my immediate reaction when I hear good things about myself. I’ll be waiting for the sarcasm to be out the next moment as I feel there is a joke next to the compliment. But today as I'm writing this, I can sense how proud I am feeling of what I survived through. I'm not writing all these for the sake of it. When I made a decision to accept what I have been through, I knew I'm going to wholeheartedly accept my bad & good decisions. 

During my second stint with depression (about which I’m going to write again), I did extreme introspection about my own self & all my growing up years and I realized I have done many mistakes as well & how I should rectify them for future. Anyone who has been through depression knows how hard it is to see anything positive in day to day activities. All we keep looking for is a story we could connect to & think how that person survived & how good it will be if you also can survive & share your story to further inspire someone to come out & speak. That first friend of mine who recognized & spoke to me about depression was my amma and I am forever grateful to her. My humble request to anyone reading this post is, kindly pay extra attention when you see a different pattern in your loved ones behaviors. Somewhere someday you might be that person who can identify the pattern & help them heal. 

If any of you have stories to share, please share with me as I would want this real life story chain to continue for how much ever long possible. I will continue to do whatever I can to bring out things related to mental health as I know how important it is to some people if not all. As I previously mentioned in my blogpost, my most favorite saying is - EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. If not for those incidents, I wouldn't have grown into the strong individual I am now. Whatever I have shared here is something that you might have gone through too regardless of whether its a guy or a girl, so if this made you feel like things happen for a reason & you should believe and be proud of your journey, then my purpose is fulfilled :)

Thank you for reading. Please remember to SRA (Stop-Reflect-Act) ♥️😊